The first two days of a hipper don’t look as cool as when the bruising starts to surface at four days.

I’ve had my fair share of slams from the ‘I’m just tooling around in the drive way and hit a pebble’ to the epic ‘everyone watching holds their breath and reaches for their cell phone’ …and everything in between.

My best piece of work was the broken elbow that required a couple surgeries and some metal. Thanks Dr. Tradonsky!

But what has to be my favorite skateboard injury is the hipper. You know, when you slam onto flat ground on your hip. Usually from a frontside grind of some kind that just got hung up and you were totally committed and WHAM! Hip meets concrete.

First Degree Hipper

Solid slam from …say… the 12″ flat bar at your local park. It gives you a good sting and it takes a second to catch your breath. Within minutes you are back at it and skating as if nothing is wrong. You wake up the next day to a stiff hip and a little pain that you walk off in the first couple hours of the day. No worries.

Second Degree Hipper

Now we’re talking about a pretty legit slam. Probably from hanging up on a hand rail and getting sent to the ground and crumpled up like a rag doll. No sliding to spread out the energy of the fall. The other place you get these is on the hip or pyramid at your skatepark. You go huge and case it on the top and at the same second get the nastiest wheel bite and get sent straight to the flat. Depending on how hot the concrete/asphalt is, you will lay on the ground and try not to cry for as long as your crew will let you. If you’re in the way of an epic rail session, drag your ass out of the way so your boys can get on with the session before you kill the vibe. You’re probably done for the day…unless you’re Chris Cole.

The result of a second degree hipper is at least one night of bad sleep because every time you roll over on the bad hip you wake up from a nightmare that involves secret CIA hip torture techniques. There is a formula for age here: in your teens you will have one bad night; in your twenties you will have two; thirties three and so on.

Third Degree Hipper

Rarely does a third degree hipper happen on a perfectly uninjured hip. This bad boy is the result of taking a hipper on an existing hipper. Unless you are lubricated by some chemicals it will probably bring some tears to your eyes. Even two first degree hippers will add up to a third degree.

The first thing that happens is muscle cramps in the other leg from limping around like an idiot for a week. Every time you try and leave a store, you’re going to get tackled by security because it looks like your’re smuggling stuff in your pants next to your hip. Sitting on the toilet hurts for about a week. The worst part is that your wife (substitute significant other or parents depending on your situation) will have all the juice she needs to make her case for the fact that you should quit skating and get on with more age appropriate activities.

Hippers suck…i speak from experience because not two hours ago I acquired a third degree hipper and it looks like someone stuck a breast implant under my skin.

This sucks.